TOP TEN TRENDS THAT NOBODY SAW (but everybody did) COMING
Before I start, I would like to say that this article alone makes me the biggest hypocrite alive. Just thought I would clear that up.... alright...
10.Backwards Adjustable Snap Hats
Classic case of douche on the right.
Nowadays, kids, mainly male teenagers from Wisconsin and Minnesota, have taken to sporting flat-brimmed, adjustable hats of their now-favorite (because-it-was-the-last-hat-on-the-clearance-rack) retro sports teams. Such gems are commonly found on clearance racks in sporting good stores around America. Dunham’s, for example. I remember when fitted hats were the craze and I always felt left-out because I was stuck with my Chicago Blackhawks snap hat. Contrary to today’s trends, I wore it forward and with a curved brim. Looking back on those days, I now realize what a moron I was. Obviously, the best way to make me look like the penis-pump I have always wanted to be would be to perfectly place my flat-brimmed, Championship Chicago Bulls snap-fitted hat backwards on top of my head, so that the perfect amount of hair shows on all sides. Studies show that the more hair you show in the front, the bigger the douchebag you are.
Despite the growing number of adjustable, backwards lids, this trend isn’t nearly as prolific as the next one...
9.Flannel.
So over this summer, I thought I would buy some new clothes for college, give myself a new swag, per say. My shopping included the of purchasing a few flannels that I thought I would wear throughout each week. Little did I know that all 7,589 freshmen were thinking the exact same thing. After a few weeks of roaming campus in my cool, new, plaid did I realize that everybody wears flannel. Literally, everybody. The hipster who smokes weed all day in 8A, the wanna-be rapper in your spanish class, the clumsy frosh who nearly gets hit by a car every morning while crossing the street on his bike. Everybody. Between classes it’s like a sea of Grandma’s quilts carving its way down University Ave. Even that little asian math freak in your econ class wears flannel. Since when did looking like a colorblind lumberjack become so popular? What started as an experiment in hipster culture to see if teenage americans really are as conformist as they seem blossomed into an all-out plaid-porno. I decided to ditch the flannel as an integral wardrobe item because who wants to look like everybody else? Yes, I know I’m so nonconformist
8.Skinny Jeans
The baggy is out, and the skinny is in. Skinny jeans are definitely the new fab as it seems that everybody who wears pants nowadays has at least one pair. And they’re probably black. Yes, these were also included on my college “new swag” shopping spree. Yes, I am a faggot. What I really want to know is...how did the whole skinny jean fashion start out? Did it start with a phone call? Or a single question?
"Is there any way you can make me a pair of jeans that adhere tightly to my abnormally skinny upper thighs while constricting blood flow to my balls? Any way?....."
And thus, the creation of skinny jeans. But skinny jeans, in my opinion, are not nearly as annoying as......
7.Humor Blogs.
6.Music Blogs.
Everybody who is anybody seems to have a music blog nowadays. With all the music bloggage going on in the blogosphere, you would think you would find a great variety as you look from blog to blog. False. A sub-trend that has sprouted on said blogs is to claim that your blog has the “hottest, newest music. Hear it before everybody else.” Bullshit. By “hottest” and “newest” do you mean the same crap that everybody has been posting on their similar blogs for the past week? I mean, how many times am I going to read the words “sick”, “chill”, and “banger” all in juxtaposition? Yes, all of those words are used to describe music, not that junior girl who contracted the latest STD. The poor girl is actually “sick” with the “chill”s because she’s a “banger”. Also, how many times am I going to read that Mac Miller has a “sick new freestyle” over Passion Pit, and that the song “bangs”? No, the song doesn’t “bang”. You know what “bangs”. And it’s not music.
Moving on.
5.Ray-Benz Sunglasses
For some strange reason, everybody got the sudden urge to want to look like mainstream rap artists like B.O.B, Jay-Z, and Lupe Fiasco, so they went out and bought themselves a cheap pair of knockoff Ray-Benz. These are usually the same people that try their hand at blogging humor, dress like a lumberjack, wear retro NFL hats backwards, jack off twice daily, and think that Wiz Khalifa is God’s gift to man. See the pattern? Well congratulations. Contrary to what you may think, you still don’t look like Jay-Z, even with your skinny jeans. You will never look, or be, as cool as him. He is a multi-millionaire. You don’t even have a job.
But don’t let your social status prevent you from gracing the music world with your presence. Chances are you didn’t and you motivated yourself into....
4. Being a DJ
You’re all so freaking cool aren’t you. Chicks dig it, bros get a rager over it, and you love wasting hours in your so-called studio creating a musical fusion of pre-programmed electronic synthesizers that at best sounds like horse shit. Playing a good selection of music using iTunes’ autofade feature does not constitute being a DJ. Neither does mashing up two songs with the instrumental of one song and the acapella of another. That’s just called being clever. Despite that, everybody now owns a computer software DJ program or has wasted over $1000 on a set of “killer” turntables. And therefore everybody is a DJ, and will continue to call themselves DJ’s until they realize that their music sounds as good as, or slightly better than, an airplane full of infants with ear infections.
Don’t get discouraged though, because if you ever feel down surely a ride around town with the bros will bring your spirits up. Your bikes are too dorky? Well, then just grab your...
3. Longboards
Ok, unlike the other trends, I don’t actually know why this is a trend. The reason I say this is because about 75% of the people that own longboards can’t actually do the action of longboard-ing. It puzzles me. Despite that fact, students continue to buy longboards, and continue to carry them around. Granted, this trend is not as widespread as flannel or adjustable hats, but there are enough of them around campus for everyone to realize it is a fad. I mean, I guess I understand where they are coming from. I also enjoy carrying around a long, heavy plank of wood that I don’t know how to ride. [Insert a “that’s what she said” joke here].
Chances are if you partake in any of the previous trends, you also wear...
2. Headphones around the neck
As of late, people have taken it upon themselves to make it known to the world that they are different from everyone else; by this I mean that music plays such a huge part in their lives, way larger than the part it plays in your life. The method: headphones around the neck. For someone to have headphones around their neck at all times must mean that they listen to music a lot. Just as often as they have that headphone necklace. So, all fucking day. Wow. That’s a lot of music. You must really love it. You’re so special. You are a DJ though, so I guess that’s understandable. I do, however, want to know the ratio of time music is played through the headphones, to time headphones are around the neck, to time music is actually being listened to. It’s got to be in the range of 1 to 20 to the percentage that I will get laid tonight. Which is zero.
Despite the bad odds, however, chances are that 95% of the music being played through the headphones is....
1. Electronic/Dubstep
I don’t even know where to start on this one. Over the last couple of years, electronic music has been appearing increasingly more on music blogs and on ipods. I recently delved into the genre of electronic music, and there is some really good stuff out there. I understand why this is possibly the fastest growing trend today, besides posting on facebook from a mobile device. I definitely approve of this trend, as it does take considerable skill and talent to create a truly original electronic masterpiece. On the other hand, dubstep. Dubstep is the deformed child of electronic music. It doesn’t look good, it sounds awkward, and as you become more and more comfortable with it, it gets more and more bizarre. Take, for instance, this song by Dubstep producer Bogore:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/v/tWbZG9jRat8]
What. the. hell. The beginning part calms you down, puts you into a trance, and everything is alright. Then, out of nowhere, it sounds like a harley davidson giving birth to a hippo. This song should be called “Change Your Drawers” because I guarantee over half the people who listened to the whole song soiled themselves because of sheer shock value of 1. The unexpected bass drop, 2. The sheer awfulness that sounds like a fat guy purging himself out of every orifice. Of course, not all dubstep songs mimic copy machines having sex, but many songs come close. The rest just sound like a room full of microwaves on laxatives.
So there you have it. The top ten trends of today. Right now you are probably thinking either A) Is there anybody that can possibly follow all of these at once? or, B) There better be a picture of a scantily clad woman at the end of this post, because otherwise this post was a complete waste of time. Unfortunately, I can only fulfill one request or the other.
So, yes, there is someone who can follow all of these at once. Whether he is a complete tool or not is your choice.
That’s me by the way. You ass.
sooo... #8..... whitney cummings. "is there anyway you can just get all of this fabric to just rape my butthole?"
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